Derby Community Challenge 1: The Introduction – July

Ok you bastards. Once and for all, this *this* is why we can’t have nice things.

This is how you get Boaty McBoatface, Brexit and Boris. The problem with democracy is that the public are idiots.

But Oberstleutnant Von MacIntosh has decreed that Derby means Derby and so that’s that.

Haunted, sinking pirate ship Derby County it is then.

The bin fire which is this club is has something of a divide in the squad: either they’re struggling with hormones, acne and risk taking behaviour or they’re wandering around, with adled brains, looking for an episode of ‘Pointless’, a milky tea and a nice nap in the evening shade.

The dressing room looks like one of those outreach programs where school kids go to an old people’s home.

I arrive at the club feeling sorry to have pinched Wayne Rooney’s job.

No stranger to senior citizen outreach himself, old Lord Hair Plugs has done a decent job holding the Rams together with neither bricks nor straw.

For some reason, I have one day to get to grips with the squad and the finances before I play what I can only assume is a legacy friendly arranged by the former England international.

Away to Manchester Utd. With this team.

Thanks for that Wayne, ya dildo.

So, I do what Football Manager player’s at dire clubs with no hope have done since the days of Martin Palermo and Mattias Asper – I hit the loan market like it has said the bad words about my sister.

On bended knee I put in loan offers to bigger, better, more stable clubs. Benfica, Real Madrid, AC Milan: the roll call of clubs we have no right to appear in the same breath as, gets a whiny phone call and a basket of tasty nibbles to sweeten the deal.

Tactics: all my coaches can coach is 4-2-3-1. I’ve listened to my Football Manager Show (from The Athletic, sports fans) and I know cohesion is king. So, my tactic is confirmed because no one on the staff can coach anything else.

One of my coaches is so bad he appears to need to read the instructions on how to work a Mitre size 5.

I try and sack him with a view to getting someone in who can instruct footballers more effectively. Ethel the canteen lady looks like she has better attributes.

We can’t afford the £2k pay off so I’m saddled with the useless twonk.

Scale of challenge accepted.

On the subject of the scale of the challenge, I’ve decided there are two ways to approach a club beginning on -21 points and no allowed to buy anyone.

Optimistic assessment: our first seven wins are going to be free but, the Sky Bet Championship has 138 points on offer. All I have to do is snaffle up the remaining 131 and I’ll be golden.

Real world assessment: looks like I picked the wrong moment to give up sniffing glue.

Fantasy Cricket Captain Does Football Manager Episode Two can be found here