Derby Community Challenge 2 – Pre-Season

Fantasy Cricket Captain Does Football Manager: Derby Community Challenge Episode 1 – July can be found here:

I go through the reserves. They are… underwhelming. I slap the whole lot up for sale and/or loan.

I resist the urge to do the same to the first team. Firstly, because there are some really decent, loyal pros in the team who don’t deserve this shit and secondly, because I cringe at the idea of a fire sale and the resultant cratering of morale.

I make an exception for Ravel Morrison who goes straight on the transfer list, is dumped in the reserves and isn’t happy. He’s new to the club but I don’t want those sort of people in my team. There are limits. And he’s mine. Fuckity bye.

We play Manchester United. I don’t want to talk about it.

Ok fine. We get shellacked 6-1. Club captain Tom Lawrence scores our goal. He may be the rock upon which any hope is founded.

I cancel the next friendly (Chelsea? What were you smoking Rooney? We need morale boosting wins, not humiliating defeats underlining the difference in quality and distance to travel for the club).

Enter Hastings United. Isthmian League South East Division stalwart – chosen because I used to live there – and because I fear this may be the level we are operating at.

However, also entering the Sheep Pen (because Rams, gettit?) are my loan signings. The most important thing about these players is that they are free.

Gratis.

Nada.

Packed with potential and costing me nothing. These are the sort of deals I aspire to.

And don’t tell me begging doesn’t work. Just look at this roll call:

Gutierrez. Miguel (Real Madrid)

Mbete. Luke (Man City)

Bynoe-Gittens. Jamie (Borussia Dortmund)

Kalulu. Pierre (AC Milan)

Morato (one name, like Madonna or Cher for some reason) (Benfica)

Jenkins. Jack (Leeds)

There they are, my bright-eyed, shiny-faced boys. Stupid Gucci wash bags in hand, eyes gleaming, unsullied by the world and failure.

It’s on their shoulders, these foetuses with a combined age marginally less than that of either David Marshall or Phil Jagielka. It’s upon their shoulders that my hopeless hopes rest.

I draft in all players over the age of consent to mentor these infants. Marshall, Graeme Shinnie et al jump at the chance to look after the toddlers.

This club may be a basket case, but there are some good people here.

I start all of the contents of the crèche against Hastings. We win 3-0. Hooray!

Next up are York. We play what I think are our strongest team.

York appear to agree. They take the lead and aim to frustrate us by moving into their own half and letting us play attack vs defence. Sadly, they’re quite good at defence. The same can not be said of our attack.

At half time, our “best” striker – Colin Kazim-Richards – is rating a 4. In the changing room at the break, I threaten to deport him back to Turkey sans his dangly bits if he doesn’t extract his finger from his fucking hoop. I throw on FC Porto’s latest loanee, Danny Loader alongside him and go to 4-4-2.

At the end of the game, we sneak a 1-1 draw, relying on an 85th minute equaliser from Krystian Bielik.

In the post match analysis key player Jason Knight feels pressured and Kazim-Richards “believes the team could have got a better result”.

An opinion I share.

Although, in the interest of full disclosure, I also think we diverge somewhat in that he seems to blame the team, whereas I think whiny 34 year old journeyman cunts should keep their pie holes closed until they find the back of the net. Funny old world, football, eh?

The first month in charge ends with myriad offers arriving for my reserves. I bite the hand off of every club, no matter how large or small who will take players away from my wage budget.

By the time we are set for our first league game at home to Huddersfield, 8 players have come in, 9 have gone out and, although we are still over our wage bill, I’ve sawn just over £3k a week off the over spend.